Body Positive

I read an article 2 months ago by Paige Dewett, MS, LAMFT, a clinical therapist and community educator for eating disorders.  The article has stuck with me, so I wanted to share her 4 body-positive tips that I thought were helpful to both mothers and daughters. Enjoy!

We live in a society focused on unattainable perfection, and the ideal of never "looking good enough".  We are bombarded with magazine covers focused on exercises and diets to get us ready for the season and how to find the right "style" for your body type.  It all adds together to contribute towards the negativity we are programmed to feel about our bodies.  How do we fight all of the negative messages out there and learn to love ourselves just the way we are?  Here are a few very simple steps to begin to turn the negative self-image around and spark a movement towards accepting the beauty in each body:

1. Start your day off right by looking into the mirror and giving yourself a compliment.  
Taking a moment to look yourself in the eye and say out loud a positive thought or being thankful for a certain part of your body and what it allows you to do can be just the thing to help set a positive mood for the day! Example: I have beautiful, strong legs which allow me to run, hike, or even jump-rope with my children. I am thankful for my beautifully-strong legs.

2.  Avoid information which fosters negativity. 
If the magazine rack at the checkout stand makes you begin to question yourself, stop looking! Remember the photos of the models on the cover have undergone hours of photoshop to achieve that body, no amount of crunches or the latest diet will ever help you achieve that body type. What would happen if we avoided those messages and instead embraced our wrinkles and imperfections as a joyful part of who we are!

3.  Compliment Others.
We all see the beauty in our family and friends, which goes far beyond just heir outward appearance. When you see the inner beauty, be sure to share what you see with them. We all love when we are noticed for things that speak to our inner spirit and our gifts and talents, be sure to make it known when these things come to light when you are with others. When you identify a talent or beauty in a stranger, be sure to share it, you never know when your compliment may just be the thing to change someone’s feelings for themselves from negative to positive.

4.  Say Thank You.
When a friend, colleague, family member or even a stranger offers a compliment to you, Accept It. We live in a culture which fosters a need to avoid acceptance of compliments or we feel a need to offer a compliment in return. Instead, take a moment to thank the individual for seeing something positive and beautiful within you. I am always saddened by a friend who I compliment and instead of being thankful, he/she takes the time to say something negative about themselves. Accept the compliment as sincerely as it is given!

We do not have to enter yet another day with dread and negative talk about our bodies. Instead love who you are and embrace the gifts, talents, and identity you have to share with this wonderful world. Look for the beauty all around you and do not allow the culture of negativity get in.

For the full article, click here (pg 11)

Bonding While Braiding

I love fixing girls' hair. I started young with my Cabbage Patch Doll (remember those!), then moved up to any other doll I could find in the house--and sometimes even made an imaginary head of hair out of my mom's yarn, for braiding purposes. As I got older,  I was always elected the hair-braider or hair-fixer-upper at girls' camp, soccer games, and on basketball-team bus rides. Now that I am a mom, I'm dying for my daughter's hair to grow long enough to braid (although once her hair is long she may decide she never wants me to touch it!). I won't be too bummed out if she avoids my anxious fingers because I can always count on the girls at my church to let me fix their hair!

Well, now that school is out and you have some more time with your daughters in the morning, it's the perfect time to learn some new braids and styles for keeping cool this summer and practicing for the next school year! This is a GREAT opportunity for some one-on-one time with your daughter. When I was growing up I would sit on the bathroom counter in front of my mom and she would comb out my hair (after a serious amount of de-tangler was added). I loved that special time with my mom; even if my face was cringing the entire time. Take the opportunity while fixing her hair to check in with your daughter in a fun way.  Ask her about what she'd like to do this summer or what her and her friends have been doing--make the moment count!

My favorite pre-teen/teen YouTube hairstyling instruction videos come from Cute Girls Hairstyles. The mom(s) have great instructions--in my opinion--and they are always adding new and fun hairstyles to try. Some are super simple, and others are more complex (like the image above). My advice: give it a test-run a day before her piano recital. Hair disasters are tough emotionally when you are running out the door. 

There is more to celebrate!

Happy ALLOMother's Day!

This is a great book!

Mother's Day brought a full day of celebrating how wonderful our mothers are and how much they help us through this journey of life.  This holiday got me thinking about the women out there who are helpers to my children's growing and developing along side me: their allomothers. 

You are nurturing, strong, smart--and you’re a mother. But you need help!

“Allomother” is a word that comes from anthropology and biology--it’s the name for a trusted, caring individual that helps care for a child (emotionally and physically) and is not that child’s actual mother. One child may have many allomothers--these are people that assist the mother in the child’s healthy development by loving, feeding, holding, playing with, and guiding the child.

Last night, I was hanging out with my five adult siblings in a living room with a circular seating arrangement. My sister’s two-year-old daughter (I’ll call her “the baby”) was the only child there with us. As we chatted and laughed, the baby literally traveled around the circle of adults over and over again--walking, climbing, and even jumping from one of us to the next. From one auntie she got a piece of gum, from the next auntie she got tickles and a nuzzle, from the next uncle she got lifted into the air to “fly” for twenty seconds, from the next uncle she got a drink of water, with the next auntie she played a game of patty-cake. Then she was back to her mom again for some whispered words of love and correction--and she started around the circle once more, repeating this circuit for the next couple of hours.

We are all allomothers and we all need allomothers to help us raise our children. Our daughters especially benefit from attachments to other admirable and loving women that can help meet their need for role models, stories, fun, and education. So choose allomothers for your daughter carefully--and then embrace them as a part of your family! 

Make a list of two to four people who you hope will be allomothers to your daughter. Now send each of them a message explaining how special each is and how you hope each one will contribute to your daughter’s healthy development. And to all of you who are already allomothers--you know who you are! Do something special for yourself, and that beautiful girl today.

Foster Mutuality

I can't stop thinking about something I read this morning in the book, The Mother Daughter Project.  (pp-76-78)  I have this feeling like someone out there really needs help with finding common ground with her daughter today!

Emergency Guide for Fostering Mother-Daughter Mutuality

Have a "Dear mom, I hate you" moment with your daughter?  Here's a guide to get you moving back toward mutuality.

1.  Step back, get centered.
What do you need right now to help you find your equilibrium?  Change the topic, breathe, lie down, call a friend, or take a walk.  No matter what she says, assume your daughter loves you and wants to stay connected with you.
If you have written them down, read over the list of qualities you think make a thriving mother-daughter relationship (created in the previous chapter).  Think about who shares your hopes for mother-daughter mutuality.  Talk to her father if he is part of your support network, or a friend, of if that's not possible, imagine what they would say.  Be gentle with yourself.  Mothering is one of the hardest jobs in the world.

2.  What does she need?
Now focus on your daughter.  Think about, write, or draw responses to:
What is she feeling?
Hint: Emotions are contagious.  Often what you are feeling strongly at difficult moments is what your daughter is feeling. 


Why is she feeling that way? 


What is she trying to communicate? 


What might she need?

How can she get what she needs?  (Remember, you might not be the one to fulfill her needs at this moment.)

Who else can help?

3.  What do I need? 
Now focus on yourself.  Think about, write, or draw responses to:

How am I feeling? 


Why am I feeling this way?

What do I need? 


How can I get what I need?  (Remember, your daughter doesn't have to be the one to fulfill your needs at this moment.)

Who can help?

4.  What do we need?
Now focus on your relationship.  Bring to mind how you and your daughter successfully got through a difficult time in the past.  What helped your reconnect?  How can you apply that skill and knowledge to the present situation?

5.  Take a nurturing step. 
From all your responses above, choose a first step to try in getting back on track with your daughter.  It can be something very simple, like having a cup of tea together or putting on music you both like, or more complex, like writing her a letter, or having a conversation.  It may also be appropriate to take a breather and suggest that you each do something you enjoy, but separately.  Perhaps treat her to take her buddies for  slice of pizza or have her dad take her on an outing while you email a friend.  Mutuality is a process.  Your daughter may be too upset to respond gracefully to your first efforts, but she will register your intentions for mutuality and connection.  Every step you take makes it more possible for her to extend herself as well. 

6.  Afterward, acknowledge anything harmful. 
In the heat of a disagreement, you or she may have said or done something painful or ugly.  When the situation cools down, offer apologies to your daughter and/or tell her plainly and calmly if something she sid was hurtful. Clearly explain how you would prefer to communicate.

phew... that was a bit to read, but I can distinctly remember doing (and not doing) these things with my mom.   It brings me hope for so many relationships out there!  Going through the steps above can help leaps and bounds!

-Lindsey

First Kiss

If your daughter is between 5 and 16 years old, it's very likely she's thinking about kissing.

Has she ever tried out a long, passionate kiss on you (imitating what she saw in her favorite Disney movie)? 

I saw this adorable pic at Sara Bliss' photography site. If you live in New Mexico, look her up!

She's already seen kissing in cartoons--so talk with her about it! There will be a moment, but you have to be paying attention, when she'll approach the topic. Don't miss your chance!

Tell her the story of your first kiss, and make it positive. If you didn't have a "fairy tale" first kiss, try to make your story funny and include some important teaching. Here are the important lessons I recommend you cover:

• Kissing means sharing! When you have good and warm feelings about a person, you may may want to be close and show that special someone that you like them a whole lot. There are friend kisses, baby kisses, mom and dad kisses, and "I might be in love with you" kisses. (Mom: you may choose to do a silly imitation of each of these kissing options--it will keep your daughter laughing and engaged.)

• Kissing means sharing! If you kiss someone's mouth, you share spit with them. (Mom: this will probably provoke the "Oooo, disgusting!" response you've been hoping for.) And you know that spit can be full of germs. So choose your kiss carefully! You definitely don't want to kiss someone who's sick--but sometimes you can't even tell that someone has germs. There's a germ that causes cold sores on lips, and once you get the germ--you can get cold sores your whole life. It's OK, to ask someone if they're sick or have cold sores before you kiss them. (Mom: this will be a useful idea to introduce now, because you'll need to talk about sexually transmitted infections later.)

• Kissing means sharing! It's about showing respect as well as love--respect for another person's feelings. This means you have the right to say "No!" anytime and for any reason. And maybe the person you would like to kiss wants to say "No, thanks!" and you show the person that you care by respecting that decision. (Mom: this may be the most important lesson of all here--self-determination. Do not skip this one, your daughter needs the confidence and "permission" to listen to her inner guide and say "No!" to kissing/touching/sex.)

We'd love to hear any of your successes (or even failed attempts) with talking to your kids about kissing.  Please leave a comment to share!
 

Indulge her desire for Adventure

We are pleased to present the first installment of our series, “Books We Love.” We’re always on the lookout for ideas and expertise to help us stay close to our amazing, fascinating, and sometimes frustrating daughters. As we discover great titles, we’ll pass the love along!

Check out this one: Between Mother & Daughter  by Judy Ford &: Amanda Ford (mother & teen daughter)

How do we cultivate in our daughters the belief that they can do anything--and yet keep them safe while their judgement and foresight are still (ahem) “under construction?” These authors argue that we can satisfy our daughters’ (and our own) longing for adventure by seeking thrills TOGETHER.

“Teens like excitement, and your daughter is no exception. She will take chances and look for thrills. She’ll probably do things that you don’t understand and your worrying goes with the territory. Your daughter wants adventures that don’t include you. If you’re willing to spice up your relationship, her urge to always look elsewhere will lessen. With some creative planning and a little ingenuity, you can turn a potential battleground into an adventure.”

Our intuition tells us these authors are right on. Making it a habit to have adventures as a mother-daughter team will help our girls look to us “guides” rather than “rangers!”

Sign up for an adventure with us today, and add sparkle to your relationship!

Talking to your daughter about sex

Talking to your daughter about sex

L: Mothers are in a tough spot. Haven’t we all thought that we’d like our daughters to have more information than we got about bodies and sexuality? Knowledge equals power, right? And then I read news stories that say teens who don’t have sex state their primary reason is that “My parents would kill me!”

T: That’s so true, this is one of the hardest tasks a mother is responsible for. This is the approach I recommend to moms:

Step 1: Read, learn, and think—and decide on the values and perspective you hope to communicate to your daughter.

Step 2: Re-think what you decided on in Step 1. What I mean by that is really examine your own feelings—identify your insecurities or messages you were taught that you don’t hope to relay to your daughter but might come across subconsciously if you’re not really mindful. (For example, you might struggle to love your own body—so how will you help your daughter love hers?)

Step 3: Commit to two central expectations: That you and your daughter will be honest with one another (wow, this is hard!), and that you will respect one another.

Step 3: Jump in! You might set up a special time for “the talk.” Do so on a regular basis (think every 6-12 months), and start very young!. Every expert recommends starting to talk about bodies and values before your daughter heads to kindergarten. But . . . it may be more important to SEIZE THE MOMENT if a topic about sexuality comes up during a car ride, after watching a TV program, etc. Don’t shy away from these opportunities by brushing questions aside and promising you’ll come back to the topic later. Grab your chance and talk about it while your daughter is engaged.

Step 4: Practice your most amazing active listening skills—even during though you may be feeling incredibly awkward inside!

• Make eye contact.
• Ask for clarification of your daughters questions/ideas/opinions.
• Really try to understand her point of view.
• Give positive nonverbal messages (keeping your face relaxed, smiling, gentle touches, big hugs after your chat).

Step 5: Put on your big-girl panties! Be the mom and help your daughter.

• Be direct. Try not to talk around the issues. Use the grown-up (respectful) words that will most help your daughter navigate her social world.
• Make sure she has accurate information. Do your research so you know the facts.
• Move beyond the facts to talk about ethics and values in the context of your personal or religious beliefs.
• Teach what TO DO—and focus on the benefits of the behavior you’re advocating.

There are MANY great resources out there for us to gather info and ideas from. Keep up with the Kaiser Family Foundation for surveys and fact sheets—for example:

The National Survey of Teens: Teens Talk About Dating, Intimacy, and Their Sexual Experiences at http://www.kff.org/youthhivstds/1373-datingrep.cfm

U.S. Teen Sexual Activity Fact Sheet at http://www.kff.org/youthhivstds/upload/U-S-Teen-Sexual-Activity-Fact-Sheet.pdf

Believe it or not, Planned Parenthood has fantastic online resources to help parents. Check out this link to their page about helping teens delay sexual activity or or this funny video of parents struggling to answer their kids' questions.

Head to the library and search for books at your branch. I recommend a keyword search with “talk to kids about sex.” You’ll get a long list of titles and can flip through them to find the one or two that resonate with you.

Remember—just one talk is not enough. This will be an ongoing education—for both of you!

The National Institutes of Health and National Library of Medicine keep a list of online resources at http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/teensexualhealth.html.